Many of us struggle with setting boundaries and prioritizing our needs due to people-pleasing—a behavior that often means sacrificing your own needs to avoid conflict or rejection. But doing this in the bedroom can cause emotional and psychological distress in intimate relationships.

Claudia Giolitti-Wright, a licensed marriage therapist and the founder of Psychotherapy for Young Women in New York City, told Newsweek how struggling to express one’s own needs in a relationship—particularly in the realm of intimacy—can ultimately ruin it.

According to a YouGov survey published in October last year, 48 percent of 1,122 Americans identify as people-pleasers. Women (52%) are more likely than men (44%) to consider themselves people-pleasers.

Giolitti-Wright, who has over 14 years of experience, said: “While people-pleasing often stems from a deep desire to be loved, accepted or avoid conflict, it can have unintended consequences in a person’s sex life, leading to dissatisfaction, disconnection and even resentment.”

How People-Pleasing Can Ruin Your Sex Life

Giolitti-Wright said prioritizing a partner’s desires while ignoring or suppressing one’s own can manifest in several ways:

1. Saying “yes” when you mean “no”– “Many people-pleasers struggle with boundaries, leading them to agree to sexual experiences they aren’t fully comfortable with. Over time, this erodes trust with themselves and their partner.”
2. Performing rather than experiencing– “Instead of being present and engaged, a people-pleaser may focus on pleasing their partner to the point that they disconnect from their own pleasure. This makes intimacy feel like a duty rather than an expression of connection.”
3. Fear of expressing desires– “A people-pleaser may hesitate to voice what they want in bed, fearing they’ll be judged, rejected or seen as ‘too much.’ This can lead to unfulfilling sex and unmet emotional needs.”
4. Resentment buildup– “When a person consistently prioritizes their partner’s needs over their own, resentment can quietly build, leading to emotional distance and a decline in sexual intimacy.”
5. A lack of authenticity in connection– “True intimacy requires vulnerability, but people-pleasing often stems from a learned belief that being one’s full self isn’t safe. This makes it hard to create a deep emotional and sexual bond.”

A 2022 study published in Social Psychological and Personality Science found that women who perceived their partners’ masculinity as fragile were more likely to fake orgasms, experience lower sexual satisfaction and communicate less honestly due to anxiety. Women who earned more than their partners were twice as likely to fake orgasms, and those who viewed their partners’ masculinity as insecure reported higher anxiety and reduced sexual openness.

How to Stop People-Pleasing and Reclaim Your Sexual Autonomy

For a healthy sex life, an environment of authenticity, mutual pleasure and emotional safety is essential. While people-pleasers often have good intentions, this behavior can ultimately be detrimental to a relationship.